Frustration

As has been well chronicled, my body doesn't always decide to do what I want it to do. So when a zillion people asked about my breastfeeding plans while I was pregnant, I always said that we'd like to do it, but that we wouldn't let it ruin our life if something happened to prevent it. To my utter surprise and astonishment, it worked (reasonably) well right from the get go. Yes, it was painful, but I believed that would pass. Yes, we had a week where he didn't gain weight, but I think that was learning curve as opposed to it "not working." I have gone to the breastfeeding support group at our hospital since he was born as both a weight check and a mental health thing to be around others dealing with the same period of life. I wanted to quit many times and there are many things I hate about breastfeeding, but in general it was working. This season of life has included a lot of couch and rocking chair time, but I keep telling myself that someday I'll wish that he was a baby again and wanted to snuggle with me more than anyone else on the planet. Now that he often sleeps for 5 (or even occasionally 6!) hours at a time, it was getting more manageable.

However, then the tummy issues began. (TMI alert - don't read if you are squeamish about bodily fluids!) Between dinner and bedtime one night, baby went from healthy diapers to bloody gross diapers. He was in obvious discomfort everytime he made us one of those gross diapers. It was late, so I checked Google, got 2 ideas, and then the next day talked to the lactation consultant at the support group. There are 2 ladies. I feel like one is very black & white and the other takes mental health into account a little more. I wasn't thrilled to get the one who is more black/white, but oh well. She agreed that maybe it was an oversupply hindmilk/foremilk thing and taught me about block feeding. We tried that, but then the next day I decided that after 24 hours of bloody diapers, it wasn't a fluke thing and that it should at least be on his chart at the pediatrician. They called me back and said to stick with the block feeding thing but to call with an update later in the week. I mentioned it the next day at group when the LC checked on me and she then started talking dairy intolerance/allergy. It's common, lots of kids get it, I know 3 off hand that had it for a year and then were ok. I decided to start it myself (see previous blogs) and then called the doc on Friday just to ask if they had any advice since the diapers were getting worse. (Without mentioning what the LC had suggested, because I hate to play medical providers against each other - nobody wins. Especially when one of them is so aggressive in their viewpoint. Might I add that we have a very laid back doc.) The nurse called back and said the doc suggested dairy free. So with all in agreement, we did that. The doc wanted to see us Monday to make sure he didn't see any other reason for the issue and told us to update him on Friday. That's today.

The last couple days have been the worst of all. The LC said to eliminate soy too, and perhaps wheat on top of it because my sister in law does have Celiacs. The hardest part is that even though I'm eliminating things, it takes weeks for them to clear my system and in that time while we try to figure out the offending food item, his gut is getting hurt more and more. So the doc said that while he knows I didn't want him to suggest formula, he wanted to try him out on the dairy/soy free formula until his 2 month well visit in 10 days and see if we can heal his gut. Meanwhile, if I am interested in going back to nursing, I should pump and continue on the diet so that I'm 10 days "cleaner" when we try again.

I called the LC to get help on how to successfully do that. BOY WAS THAT A MISTAKE. I was told that she didn't recommend it, wanted to know who the doc was, that my pump wasn't good enough, that the hypoallergenic formula doesn't work, and that I should really eliminate the wheat/soy on top of the milk if I want clean milk, and that it's not possible that the formula is best for his gut because breastfeeding is always the best. So not only in a 5 minute time period am I dealing with the medical decision to put him on (the most expensive) formula, but being judged by someone who I am calling in order to get help SO THAT I DON'T GIVE UP. It wasn't like I called to say "forget you and your beliefs." I called for help! To make sure I did all I could to keep a supply going! And I got judged. Talk about a knife to the heart. This is why breastfeeding people and LC's get a bad rap. She made me want to not even try to sustain my supply. I am sad to not have the emotional support from the girls at the support group because I don't think many of THEM would judge me, as we have chatted over the last several weeks, but I don't feel welcome there even to take him to check his weight after the conversation I had on the phone today. That's the worst part. :(

Formula isn't poison. And I know 3 kids who are thriving after switching to this formula when nothing else worked to help them. Life isn't black and white. I want to try to clean myself and be able to feed him. But if it doesn't work and we have to give him this formula for the next 10 months or more, then so be it.

The hardest part of this afternoon has been adjusting my parenting style. Previously, the first thing I tried when he cried was to let him see if he wanted to eat. Sometimes he was really just using me as a pacifier, but about 90% of the time, that solved the problem and he was happy again. Sometimes it had nothing to do with hunger. So to not even be able to let him do that was frustrating and resulted in tears on both sides, but now it's a couple hours later and he's happily doing tummy time after happily enjoying a bottle of formula.